Homeland Insecurity Grant

Adams County, where I live here in Ohio, has just recieved a $75,595 grant from the Deaprtment of Homeland Security. We're pretty rural and impoverished and our school systems are on life support, but you never know where the terrorists may strike, so better safe than sorry.

I mean, I don't think there's any way for you to appreciate how hilarious this is. Our emergency responder unit is headed up by a guy named Kermit.

"Well Dale, how you reckon we oughta spend this new Homeland moneys?"

"Well shit-fire Kermit...we could wash the truck."

"Yup, yup. Wash the truck. That'd be a start all right."

"Maybe we could get one o' them 'Fuck Osama' bumper stickers. That'd be a start."

"Uh-huh. Maybe replace that old vinyl in there too."

"That's good thinking Kermit. That's why you're the Sheriff."

Because of this policy of "better safe than sorry," I am personally applying for a Homeland Security grant to upgrade and repair my car to be better equipped in the fight for freedom.

I bought the car with 67,000 miles on it in July, for just $2400 (tax and title). However, it has the following problems: the side window doesn't roll up after a mishap in a McDonald's drive-thru (on my way to see John Kerry speak in a corn field), the right turn signal isn't working, the gas cap spring has broken and won't stay shut, it needs an oil change, it has a slow brake fluid leak, little power in low gears, and worse of all it makes a horrible grinding sound whenever I accelerate too hard.

Should the terrorists attack my home county, how could I be expected to fight for freedom against them in a car that's unreliable? And I'm not just thinking of myself here; it's a four door car. I can take others with me.

I think the president has an obligation to see that every car in my county is in top working order, because in a state of emergency, every vehicle is an emergency vehicle.

What I would ideally like to do, apart from the obvious repairs, is to have my car turn into something else, like a boat or an airplane. That way I could fight freedom, I mean--fight for freedom, on land, sea, or air.

And a moon roof with a laser turret and a wookie sidekick would be cool, too.