The Who-Do-You-Look-Like? Gene

In Europe, where everything is legal, doctors have been performing a radical surgery, something on the cutting edge of medical science.

They have found and isolated a previously unknown organ in the body, located in the lateral wall between the stomach and the liver. The organ is less than the size of a bottlecap, and as thin as a credit card. Its Latin name is Zooter mipsus angustocolis.

But I like to call it the "Who-Do-You-Look-Like?" gene.

What this organ does is allow people to see the resemblance between ordinary people and celebrities. In other words, if you look like Robert Redford and you go to Europe, no one will look at you and say, "You know who you look like?" You'll just look like you.

I'd like to go to Europe, but especially when I was thirteen. Here's why:

For about a year, I looked like Johnny Depp. For whatever reason, my face grew in such a way that everyone told me I looked like the actor. Then puberty pressed on, moving the resemblance along. This was a very brief window of time.

At first, I appreciated the attention, especially from the girls. Then it started to wear on me. Why did everybody have to mention it? Was anybody ever going to be interested in me, apart from my resemblence to Edward Scissorhands? What's worse is that people ineviatbly realized I wasn't an interesting or dynamic figure like the actor. I was just an insecure thirteen year oldwhose genetics molded a certain face for me at a certain time. It was an impossible standard to live up to--I'm a lot of things, but I'm no Johnny Depp.

Then, just when I thought I'd be living in Johnny Depp's shadow forever, my face moved on to something more me. It was good to be myself again.

Still, I'd like to move to Europe, in case the Depp face should move to another generation of Areys. Then my kids will be spared my suffering, even if they will have to pay a 25% sales tax.