My Last Couple Dogs

A number of months ago I was cruising in a jeep with a couple of friends, when my sister rang on the cell phone. "Bub, you have to go down to the car wash. There's a puppy lost down there whimpering it's little head off."

I hung up and spoke flatly to the driver. "Turn around, Britni. We have a rescue to mount." With that we one-eightied to the other end of town. Sure enough, there it was. An adorable spotted brown puppy, wailing, walking in and out of traffic, stopping cars and causing bedlam with its adorable innocence.

Like anyone else in this town, the pup felt awkward about accepting help. I nudged toward him, he nudged back. We finally cornered him behind the warm rusted ice machine and scooped him into the jeep.

He (it appeared to have a penis) was a pleasant passnger, and had finalyl stopped whining. The next few hours were spent showing the dog off and trying to solve its many mysteries. Everyone made their seperate observations about the pup. he was clearly a house dog, because he was so heavy. His claws weren't trimmed, but they weren't filed down, eaither, indicating it had lived on a carpeted surface. We all agreed it was a mixed breed, with it's mishmash of color, tails and ears.

By far, the dog's most endearign feautre were it's eyes: one blue, one brown. Like David Bowie. Because of this, and the animal's girth, we called it Major Tong.

We took digital photos of the Major and made posters. I even wrote a cute little poem:

Found
At the Car Wash end of town.
Adorable dog, one eye blue
The other, Brown
If you want this adorable slice of heaven
Call 587-1397

I even walked into the police station to file a report. It was my first time in a police station where I wasn't paying a fine or picking up a family member.

No one would keep the major for the night, so it was left on my shoulders. I had the number of a relative who was supposed to find lost animals homes. She would call me back tomorrow. Apparently, her husband was getting tired of his home being used for a kennel, so this lead might not work out.

Major Tong wasn't housebroken, so we went through quite a few rolls of paper towels while he got used to my place. We had another dog staying with us months earlier, a little terrier named Ruby. Ruby was originally my sister's worry, and when she wanted rid of the dog mom took her, in hoped of breeding the full-blooded bitch for a cash crop of puppies. We never hit Ruby, especially near her ovaries. Never let her near the microwave, either. We put more care into that dog's reproductive system than we did into our own home.

Sadly, mom just wasn't good at tolerating dogs, and my sister found her a good home. I always insisted to my nieces and nephews that Ruby was a lifelike robot that I built. They were young enough to half-believe me. "Is she really?"

"Yes."

Pause. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Then why does she poop?"

"I made her to act like a real dog, stupid."

But presently, Major Tong was a nice enough houseguest. He whimpered a little, but calmed down after I kicked him a little. Just kidding.

Turns out the relative could take the dog, and I drove him out to her house. She had a large dog pen, where a collie and a cocker spaniel had comfortable living quarters.

Sally (my aunt) was able to identify the dog immediately. "She's a husky/lab mix," I was told.

"Wait...she?"

"Yeah, it's a girl."

Turns out that not only did Major Tong have nipples, but the thing I had mistaken for a penis was actually a rudimentary vagina. I am quite proud of my ignorance of a dog's genitals.

Epilogue

Major Tong found a good home, and Ruby's new owners were astonished one day when they gave her a bath and she short-circuited. Afterwards, all she could do was chase her tail, which suited her just fine.